Why I Closed the Shop pt. 1

One of the most obvious things I've ever wanted to do was start a blog but I haven't ever committed because honestly sharing my real thoughts and feelings sounds terrifying. After recently deciding to burn my whole life to the ground aka closing down my brick and mortar shop after 6 years, I am feeling very f*** it. 
I considered using another platform like Substack but the thought of downloading a whole new app that some billionaire owns in 2025 makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out... so, here I am on my website that I already own which up to this point has been mostly designated as a half-assed online shop. Don't worry, this space will not become a blog-only zone and as of right now I cannot commit to a "posting schedule" but if you have ever been curious to read a 30-something-ex-shop-owner ramble on about how to (hopefully) survive in this world then welcome, I am thrilled you are here. 

I am calling these ramblings REFLECTIONS because I like to give deep titles to pretty much anything I'm working on (childhood trauma?) and to kick off this series, I feel it is only right to divulge why I decided to set my life on fire. Im spilling my secrets y'all! It is my hope that maybe this will inspire you to not make the same mistakes that I did and to maybe have a laugh or two with me. Heads up, this will be divided up into a few parts because as you can imagine, there's a lot to unpack.

Bur before I go any further, I'd like to state for the record I do not look at any choice I've ever made with regret. I honor my choices with rose petals and chocolate because at the end of each and every choice, mistake or not, I always learned something. 
Could some of them been avoided? Yes. 
Did I always choose the easiest route? No. 
Does it all work out? Of course it does. 

In the days leading up to the moment when I knew that closing was the next step, I was an absolute mess. Have you ever had one of those feelings when you know something is about to happen but you don't know how or what? Maybe it's a warm fuzzy feeling or one that feels dreadful but you just know deep in your gut that something crazy is about to go down- that's how it was for me, the feeling intensified until the moment it finally unraveled and unceremoniously I felt an extreme wave of calm and peace. One thing about me is when I know, I KNOW. While I felt heartbroken, I also felt understanding and both were equally as deep and cathartic. This was right around Thanksgiving and I knew that I needed to act swift and fast. This was both a good and bad thing because it didn't allow me to really consider what was happening while also forcing the "rip it off like a band-aid" effect. Once again in the business of entrepreneurship, I had to figure out how to do something massive with no prior experience and an extremely tight timeline. The first thing I did was tell my team, then I told you guys, then sold what I could and proceeded to metaphorically douse the rest in gasoline and light a match.  

You're probably wondering, "why," and I'll start by asking you, dear reader, has any big life choice you've ever made been because of one single thing? The answer is probably not and I will warn you that I don't know if I fully understand all the reasons quite yet. However, I do think some of the reasons below might be some of the biggest...

To start off and to no one's surprise, brick and mortar is really REALLY difficult... but probably not in the ways you're thinking... unless you're thinking financially, then YES it's absolutely that but there are many other reasons too. You've heard everyone talk about how hard it is and they are all 100% correct but I truly believe that you have no idea how something is going to affect you until you try it. For the first eighteen months of the shop being open I did not take a single day off and to no one's surprise, this is very normal and extremely common. It's the sacrifice you have to give in the initial stages, kind of like the pain of getting a tattoo, it's gonna hurt but you know it's going to be so rewarding. Except the retail reward comes in short spurts of a really great sales day followed by three shitty ones. The thing is, I was happy to put in those hours and I felt energetic and capable of doing so, I was doing something I loved- connecting people to plants! But I was also naive to think hopefully that one day I wouldn't have to work as much or as hard and that yes, I could pay myself a livable wage... unfortunately in my case, that never came true.

Think about it, how long would you be able to run off pure passion and love for your craft before you hit broke and burnout? Mine was 18 months. Then I repeated this cycle two more times. 

Yes, I had a really amazing staff.
Yes, I had a supportive partner.
Yes, I could take a vacation for a week and try to check out but the thing about being the (sole) owner is that you never fully clock out. It always felt like I was riding a rollercoaster and I never had the opportunity to get off; there were lots of high and exciting moments followed by scary low ones and after year five I kept asking myself, "is this ever gonna end?" Remember how earlier I said you never know how something is going to affect you until you try it? There's no way I would've known how retail ownership would've gone unless I hopped on the ride.

In any harmful situation, eventually you have to decide between yourself and your mental well-being over whatever (insert toxic person/place/thing). It's actually wild to reflect and think back on the shop in this way because yes, it was a magical beautiful space built on love and healing and I am not saying this was the aspect that became toxic. It was the layers and layers of rules and systems that had to operate behind the scenes to keep it going and I had to figure it all out by myself. The checks and balances, the taxes, the increasing cost of plants, the little expenses that add up to really massive ones, the battle between paying myself or paying my employees, the shipping costs, the unexpected repairs, the list goes on and on. It never felt enough and it consistently made me feel incredibly inadequate; Was I just bad at math and numbers? Did I overspend on the last restock? Does my marketing suck? Is the energy off in the shop? Why aren't people coming in? $500 dollars for bags?! These questions ran through my mind nearly every single day until it got to a point where I felt like it was me fighting against me. I am in my mid 30's, working my ass off nearly everyday and I still don't have a consistent income? If my best friend told me that about her job, I'd tell her to get the heck out of Dodge. 

So that day right around Thanksgiving when it all finally hit me that I simply couldn't keep going, I embraced the versions of me that were scared, tired, anxious, lonely, heartbroken and held them in my arms knowing that it has to be better. I deserve better. Perhaps the retail version wasn't supposed to be the end-all-be-all for ReRoot and perhaps if it truly was the "right" thing, it never would have been this difficult of a journey.

The beast of retail didn't destroy my love for connecting people to plants and I never let it fully consume the magic within, truthfully it has only grown deeper and stronger. This is precisely why I am not giving up on ReRoot; I know with my whole heart that this is the path for me and that soon it will be abundant and stable in all the ways I envision it to be. I feel extremely grateful to have started this journey in this particular way because I am now well-equipped with the tools and knowledge that will aid in this next chapter. Of course I will continue to make mistakes and have more lessons to learn but I feel so much lighter and more capable to take them on. I have more to share about retail and it's complicated ways but for now I will leave you with this: never ever feel like you have to sacrifice every part of yourself for anything. What is meant for you, will not require that much sacrifice. What is meant for you, is on the other side of your biggest fear. What is meant for you, will find you. 

I'll be able to prove all of that very soon, stay tuned. 

🖤 Bye for now, Paige